| Dec. 14th, 2005 @ 10:03 pm Can't sleep |
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We fought about the bills tonight and scott got very ugly. Shouting at the top of his lungs with fury and rage and I was shaking. It started with him downstairs, and I was upstairs reading with Joe. I don't know why he coudn't wait until Joe went to bed. He is shouting at me and Joe looks at me and says, "You could always get a divorce." I asked him where he heard that from and he said one of his shows. He knows about divorce. So while Scott is shouting at me about the bills, I am looking at my boy astounded. I tell him not to worry, that we aren't getting divorced...but things just kept progressing. I got Joe up to bed, and Scott came upstairs and was screaming bloody murder at me. I had transferred money to the savings to save for the Mortgage to be paid on Friday. yes, it is very late. And Scott wants me to keep my nose out of the bills, but he is paying everything later and later and he doesn't see how bad it is getting. Last month he sent a bill out without the stamp on it and it came back. I put the money in the savings to be sure we had money for the mortgage when we got paid and money for the bills too.
Regardless, his fury is always tinged with the hatred and unforgiveness he will always feel for me because of July 2004. It is always in the backround. Nothing I say or suggest has any weight for him. I have done everything I can to change my life. And I honestly think that if I didn't live with him, I would be much healthier and Happier. But I don't know how to proceed or what to do.
I am still waiting on my doctor's appt. And things are up in the air with my meds. But I am going to work, and functioning like a normal adult. I have had only one beer in the last 45 days, and I haven't smoked. I really am fighting for normalcy. Something he screamed for tonight. The problem with not having a girlfriend in the area, or a protective healthy family member in the area is, even if you are 100% stable, you still have no one helping you with the battle.
I ended up screaming back tonight. I couldn't take it. And it was aweful. It was brief but ugly. I suddenly thought of poor joe up in his room hearing all the ugliness. I want to do what is right for him, and I really don't know what the solution is. I'd like to just pray and turn things over to God, but honestly, Does anyone really know how to do that successfully?
Maybe I sound like i am having a pity party, but how much can a person take from another? And if he is never really going to look at me like a wife and partner, why am I even trying? I feel almost certain I could run a cleaner house and keep up with things if it was just Joe and I, but i am also certain that Scott would never allow a divorce without a bloody battle. maybe I am not giving him credit. But when i asked him to stop raging out for the boys sake, he just wouldn't. He kept on until he felt his point was made. I was forced to answer Yes, I will keep my hands off the bills. Even though I know he is doing a pisspoor job, and they affect me too.
I really don't know if I can live like this for another 13 years. I feel like I am dying. No support, and what little support I do have comes from his mother. How long do you think that will last. Well, i know that if my son's wife was talking about divorce, I don't think I would be the happy go lucky mother in law. I really just feel trapped and alone, and scared. And I am worried about my boy. I don't know how his living arrangements and schooling would go, or if he would even be able to handle this. Especially if it can't be amicable.
I know I have something...depression or mild bi polar, whatever. But this is not all me. I know it's not. I just wish there was someone else in my life who saw me daily that could say, yes, you really are fine. I see what is going on here, and it is not just your problem. Scott needs to deal with his rage and his dependencies on substances too. he did drink tonigbt and he swears it has nothing to do with his rage or his inablity to filter it.
And you know, this is just my own rantings, so who knows...this is my perception. so I can't even use my LJ pals to gage things. Fuck fuck fuck. My head hurts. My chest is tight. I don't know if I should or even can sleep on the couch tonight. I just know things should not have gotten that volitile tonight. |
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